


Sonho Meu

by ylvisucka



Category: Ylvis
Genre: I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Ylviscest, i'm ust sad so i wrote sad things, this doesn't mean i won't write for my other fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 16:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2659397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ylvisucka/pseuds/ylvisucka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last stage of grief: acceptance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sonho Meu

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know, I cried a lot while I wrote this.

The night was too cold for September and also too dark for 10p.m. Maybe it wasn’t that cold or dark, but it felt that way. In a big house, outside the town, things could get pretty depressing or at least… colder. I wandered around the house with my hot tea, wearing his plaid shirt that fitted me perfectly, watching the big amount of nothing that happened around me.

My friends said I should get back to Bergen, some said I should go to Oslo, and my wife and my kids (mostly them), said “you should just get out of this house”. But I couldn’t. Some energetic chain, invisible to human eyes and touch, kept me inside. I didn’t want to leave actually, independent of the chain; I couldn’t just lock the door and never come back.

I wasn’t an outsider either, I was still aware of everything that was happening, I talked to my family to assure them that I’m fine and just to keep myself from going crazy; maybe the last one was a useless try. I wanted to talk to someone about my true feelings about what was happening to me, how unnatural all that felt and how my heart was broken. It wasn’t his fault, but who should I blame? God? Maybe the Devil or the pouring rain? Maybe just the time itself had the blame, for not synchronizing every movement in that street, in that second… It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just happened to him, anyone else could have run over in that moment… I just wish it was anyone else.

I couldn’t sleep in the bed, I could barely enter the room we used to share. I usually laid down on the couch and feel asleep watching some stupid late night show that I didn’t really care. In the worst days, I just screamed his name until I wasn’t able to say any words. What would he do to calm me? Would he hug me? Make me look deep in his dark eyes and say it would be okay? Would he just hold me and… Stay for as long as we needed? “It’s been a year today. Won’t get over it?”, I asked myself. I don’t think I’m ready to get over.

It’s always stressing enough to lose family, also stressing to lose a soul mate… It’s even worst to lose both at the same time, under the same circumstances, under the same identity to recognize in the morgue. I loved him as a brother, friend, lover, companion, everything I needed. I shouldn’t have relied on him for everything; now I’m left with nothing beyond memories. A faint smell on his shirt, some leftovers of past passionate nights, the tears I cried almost every night were a failed attempt to clean my soul from all the rotten love it was left there.

\- Come back, please… - I plead to myself. Sometimes, maybe delusional, I felt his presence. It was soothing, full of peace and warmth. - Please, I need you tonight. Just tonight… - and I kept with the hopeful wishes, my eyes closed, my tea getting colder and my body shrunk on a corner of the sofa. I don’t know how long I stayed, I don’t know if I eventually slept and my spirit wandered around; all I know is that I could feel that well-known warmth.

\- Don’t you know I’m always here? - that familiar and low voice reassured me. I lifted my head and I saw his perfect face, just as I remembered. The stubble growing already, the eyes were lit and a subtle smile on the corners of his mouth made me feel like the past year never happened. - I love you, Bård.

\- I’ll always love you, Vegard. Won’t you stay tonight? - I begged with tears already rolling down my cheeks. He nodded and held my hand. I didn’t care if that was my imagination, my drunk-ness, a dream or reality. I wanted to feel him again, I wanted to feel him forever, near me, keeping me warm and happy. He walked me to the room that I often kept locked and lit the candles as we always did when we wanted to sleep close to each other. We laid together in bed and he held me close, not like a lover, but like a brother. Sometimes, we saw the need to keep the romantic side away and focus on our familiar bonds.

It felt like seconds and hours simultaneously passed us by, when we finally let go of each other. 

\- Do you blame me, Bård? For all of this?

\- Never, I could never blame you for anything. If there is anyone to blame, I would blame the shitty Oslo weather. – he chuckled a little. I always tried to make my way out of certain situations with a joke. – How come you visit me sometimes?

\- I guess… When you wish too much? Or maybe when I see that you need me too much…

\- Which is almost always. – a moment of silence between us. I didn’t feel like I could do it very longer, I would have him now and not have him when I woke up, as I usually had. – How can I be with you all the times?

\- You need to be with your family. – he always deflected from that subject, because I had already told him, before all this happened, that I would do anything for him, even taking my life; after this conversation, we never talked about extremes, we never talked about what would happen if one of our lives was actually taken. It’s my own fault that I wasn’t ready for what happened.

\- I talk to them every day… You’re my family, Vegard. You’re more than that.

\- I’ll be with you wherever you are, I’ll always be by your side.

\- But I need it to be real! – I clenched my fist and punched the bed. I knew, deep down, that I was only dreaming. I couldn’t see ghosts, talk to the or feel their “flesh” against mine, like I did right now. It was another pleasant dream, but the torture of the moment I woke up wasn’t much worth it. I often woke up crying, screaming to my own guts and torturing myself. I can’t lie to myself, I’ve tried to make myself close to him, spiritually; the cuts I made always cured themselves quickly, the attempts were always ruined by chance or failed by technicalities. I’m sure he was the one that kept me alive.

\- I am real enough. My love is still real, all the memories… Bård, remember when we went outside in the snow because you liked how my hair looked with snow covering it? Or when we were little, the pranks we did with Bjarte… Remember all the laughs, and all the love I gave you? Wasn’t that real? – I nodded; the tears were again wetting my cheeks. He held my face close to him and placed a kiss on my lips. I felt that his cheeks were filled with tears as well, and we crumbled down on each other’s arms. – It doesn’t matter how far I am, everything we feel is still real. You need to go back to the real world.

\- You’re my real world.

\- No. I’m your dream, your idealization. Your real world is your kids, growing without you, your wife, mom and dad, Bjarte… They need you, brother. And no matter what, I’ll be there to hold your hand when you need it. – I sobbed more when he held my hand tight. I knew it was about to end, all that fantasy was in its bitter end.

\- I love you, Vegard, I love you… - I buried my face against his chest. I couldn’t think of anything else to say to him.

\- I love you too, Bård. And…

\- No, don’t speak. I promise I’ll make it alright with everyone. Just… Make me feel good again. Hold me, kiss me, I don’t know…

He placed his hands on my neck, they were warm and cozy. Being surrounded by his arms made anywhere feel like home, the right place to be. Everything he did made me feel better. He kissed me and all the fear I had momentarily disappeared, I felt his chest, his shoulders, the perfect black curls, everything as I remembered.

Then suddenly I was alone. I was sitting on the couch with cold tea spilled around me. The sunlight was already hitting me and annoying me. Another night, another dream and, once again, I woke up crying. I guess he was right, I should go back to the ones who loved me just as much Vegard did; he had never told me those things himself.

After probably hours, I finally got up and packed. I packed my clothes, only the ones that were actually mine; I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room. The room was still locked, like it had been for probably a week now. I took a last look to the house me and Vegard bought to spend our loving weekends together. It wasn’t the last time I would visit that place, but it felt like it was a goodbye.

I left his plaid shirt on the couch, like I first found it a year ago. I got in my car and drove away from the house, and I felt Vegard looking over me, with a broad smile on his face, guiding me towards the right path through the only communication we ever seemed to have: our love.


End file.
